Thoughtful in Selah
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Leaving a legacy, leaving a mantle
I wasn't sure exactly how all this would come out, but I feel that it is time to share my thoughts and recent experiences with everyone. Normally I would post this all on my blog but I want people to easily be able to find it here on facebook. All of this is going to be scattered a little but I'm trying to catch everything that I want - that I need to get out.
After TheCall, I was on a major spiritual high considering I was just infilled with the Holy Spirit and I now have the gift of speaking in Tounges. Well all of that kinda came crashing down the morning I heard that Daniel was killed. Most people don't know it but Daniel was my best friend and I feel like I can honestly say that I was his too. For about a week, there was just nothing I wanted to do and grief was overwhelmingly taking over.
Just the other day I read about the five stages of grieving.
1. Denial/Surrealism - This isn't happening, I can't comprehend nor grasp it
2. Questioning - Why is this happening to me?
3. Anger - THIS ISN'T FAIR
4. Depression - No motivation and deep mourning
5. Acceptance - I'm ok with it all now
I moved through the first three stages all in about two hours that Thursday morning. However, a heavy depression began setting in to the point where I started withdrawing inside of myself and I had horrible thoughts and I started being mean to my friends and I just didn't want to talk about it at all.
One week later at Remain (which is my youth group on Thursday night) my youth leader thought it was best that we share with everyone on exactly how we had been feeling. It was a bad night for me. I just really felt that it was all too soon. I had said it a couple times that Sunday after the funeral that I didn't want the burial to come and go because I was afraid that all would be said and done and things would move on and all would be forgotten. I was terrified of this happening.
Afterwards, Marriana and Jordan and myself went over to Jordan's house and we were talking in my car and he started praying over me for comfort and that I would have God's Fire again. I began feeling such a powerful embrace and holy presence that was so calming that I've NEVER felt before. My fire just lit up so bright at that point and God moved HUGE! I began speaking in Tongues like I never have before. God even delivered a message through my mouth between four people!
At this point I was doing so much better and I still am now that my Fire is back. I am not, however, to stage five of the grieving process though. I have not exactly come to terms on acceptance - and I don't know if I will ever be able to.
-----------------------
Through this whole time, everyone has been telling me about how Daniel had this amazing mantle that he left behind and that I would be the one to pick it up and run with it. This is just really powerful to me. Obviously I cannot replace Daniel in personality or spirit but I feel like I am the one to continue on his ministry to others in worship. Ever since this, my worship has been so much more powerful - and frequent for that matter. It seems that every time I play, there's always a crowd that gathers. I made the comment to someone that "It isn't about how Daniel touched me during his life, it is how he is touching me now." I think that sentence is the best way I can put it. His legacy is touching myself so greatly, and yes, I am going to miss him so much, but I just feel such a holy annoiting being placed on my life in my worship because it just feels like I'm stepping up and being that worship leader that Daniel helped teach me to be.
When I was searching for a new youth group to go to, I found Remain and the at the time, I kept coming back just because the worship was so intense and all of the kids were so passionate and hungry for God. And because of that, Daniel showed me how worship is really done. He taught me so much in music and how to be a leader in worship.
---------------------------
After TheCall, I was on a major spiritual high considering I was just infilled with the Holy Spirit and I now have the gift of speaking in Tounges. Well all of that kinda came crashing down the morning I heard that Daniel was killed. Most people don't know it but Daniel was my best friend and I feel like I can honestly say that I was his too. For about a week, there was just nothing I wanted to do and grief was overwhelmingly taking over.
Just the other day I read about the five stages of grieving.
1. Denial/Surrealism - This isn't happening, I can't comprehend nor grasp it
2. Questioning - Why is this happening to me?
3. Anger - THIS ISN'T FAIR
4. Depression - No motivation and deep mourning
5. Acceptance - I'm ok with it all now
I moved through the first three stages all in about two hours that Thursday morning. However, a heavy depression began setting in to the point where I started withdrawing inside of myself and I had horrible thoughts and I started being mean to my friends and I just didn't want to talk about it at all.
One week later at Remain (which is my youth group on Thursday night) my youth leader thought it was best that we share with everyone on exactly how we had been feeling. It was a bad night for me. I just really felt that it was all too soon. I had said it a couple times that Sunday after the funeral that I didn't want the burial to come and go because I was afraid that all would be said and done and things would move on and all would be forgotten. I was terrified of this happening.
Afterwards, Marriana and Jordan and myself went over to Jordan's house and we were talking in my car and he started praying over me for comfort and that I would have God's Fire again. I began feeling such a powerful embrace and holy presence that was so calming that I've NEVER felt before. My fire just lit up so bright at that point and God moved HUGE! I began speaking in Tongues like I never have before. God even delivered a message through my mouth between four people!
At this point I was doing so much better and I still am now that my Fire is back. I am not, however, to stage five of the grieving process though. I have not exactly come to terms on acceptance - and I don't know if I will ever be able to.
-----------------------
Through this whole time, everyone has been telling me about how Daniel had this amazing mantle that he left behind and that I would be the one to pick it up and run with it. This is just really powerful to me. Obviously I cannot replace Daniel in personality or spirit but I feel like I am the one to continue on his ministry to others in worship. Ever since this, my worship has been so much more powerful - and frequent for that matter. It seems that every time I play, there's always a crowd that gathers. I made the comment to someone that "It isn't about how Daniel touched me during his life, it is how he is touching me now." I think that sentence is the best way I can put it. His legacy is touching myself so greatly, and yes, I am going to miss him so much, but I just feel such a holy annoiting being placed on my life in my worship because it just feels like I'm stepping up and being that worship leader that Daniel helped teach me to be.
When I was searching for a new youth group to go to, I found Remain and the at the time, I kept coming back just because the worship was so intense and all of the kids were so passionate and hungry for God. And because of that, Daniel showed me how worship is really done. He taught me so much in music and how to be a leader in worship.
---------------------------
I also wanted to share a little bit from my speech that I gave at his funeral.
"At one of the conferences that we were at, Nathan Isaacs had said, 'Since this [we] is the generation that has escaped death [in abortion], we do not fear death.' There is no better example of this than Daniel. Daniel was not even afraid of death because he was a warrior of God." And I can tell you the exact thing Daniel was probably doing as he was riding his bike that night: he was probably worshiping. He told me a few times that he rode his bike to pray and worship by himself for awhile.
I think that there is something to be said about someone who completes his mission here on Earth in 18 and a half years.
"At one of the conferences that we were at, Nathan Isaacs had said, 'Since this [we] is the generation that has escaped death [in abortion], we do not fear death.' There is no better example of this than Daniel. Daniel was not even afraid of death because he was a warrior of God." And I can tell you the exact thing Daniel was probably doing as he was riding his bike that night: he was probably worshiping. He told me a few times that he rode his bike to pray and worship by himself for awhile.
I think that there is something to be said about someone who completes his mission here on Earth in 18 and a half years.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home